Let’s talk about sex… what’s that?

“I've always felt that sexuality is a really slippery thing. In this day and age, it tends to get categorized and labeled, and I think labels are for food. Canned food.”

--Michael Stipe, songwriter

I teach abnormal psychology at the local community college. I’ve been teaching the same class every semester for nearly 5 years now and I absolutely love it. One of the things that I love most about teaching these engaged and engaging students is that they often ask wonderful questions that cause me to question my own assumptions.

The other night I was lecturing on sexuality and in the midst of a lively discussion, a student raised a very astute point, saying “I think we need to first talk about what we mean by ‘sex’”. It led to a discussion of how certain assumptions about what ‘sex’ is or isn’t might exclude or marginalize large portions of our community. For example, if a group is talking about ‘sex’ (and by that they are referring to penile-vaginal intercourse) and someone in that group is in a lesbian relationship, it is very likely that that individual may be made to feel like the physical intimacy she shares with her same-sex partner is somehow less than ‘sex.’

So all this got me thinking about what we as a culture consider ‘sex’ to include. Also, how does the way we, especially us therapists, talk about physical intimacy and sexuality support the diverse sexual experiences of all in our community? Are there ways that I could shift how I talk about sexual experiences with my clients that would be more consistent with my values of inclusivity and affirming diversity?

In response to this question, I went to the literature. Researchers at the Kinsey Institute at the University of Indiana published findings from a study of 486 individuals aged 18-76 who were asked about what specifics sexual acts they would consider as constituting having ‘had sex.’ While there were some overall differences based on age, with younger and older male participants having more restricted views on what they felt constituted ‘sex’ as compared to middle-aged participants, the general finding was that there was no overall consensus when it comes to definitions of sex. Researchers concluded:

“Given the diversity of opinions about what constitutes having ‘had sex,’ it is likely that people across gender and age groups may answer questions about how many partners they ‘had sex’ with or how many times they ‘had sex’ using varying criteria. They may think of different behaviours when researchers or practitioners use this phrase. Thus, the results provide empirical evidence supporting the need to use behavior-specific terminology in sexual history taking, sex research, sexual health promotion and sex education. Furthermore, researchers, educators, and medical practitioners should exercise caution and not assume that their own definitions of having ‘had sex’ are shared by their participants, students, or patients.” (p.34)

As a clinician who frequently talks with clients about their sexual experiences and desires, these findings remind me again to use more specific and behaviorally-focused language when talking about these issues. It allows for a more accurate understanding of my clients experience and may create space for a more inclusive conversation around sexual intimacy.

• relationships
• sex